kairos moment.

While in New York, I was challenged by my youth pastor to seek a "kairos moment". He explained this to be a "moment of crisis"; a time that you realize something is wrong or just that something needs to be changed.. and then you change it. Being in college feels a lot like being shoved into a whole mess of things I didn't expect. Almost every idea I've had about MSU and building relationships here and serving the people around me and trusting God with everything and being like Jesus to the people on this campus seems unattainable. I almost feel like I'm being laughed at. To think that I could do any of that on my own. But I wanted to! I wanted to make my family proud and my friends at home proud. I wanted to show people who Jesus is and I wanted to feel complete with it just being me and Jesus in this world. After this failed, I realized something... That I'M the one trying to do ALL of those things on MY OWN... Jesus wasn't the one in control. Although my intentions were still good, they were also still MY intentions. I had my own plan and the plan failed. This is my kairos moment: I am trying to control my life. God needs to be the leader. I need to trust in his plan and purpose for my life. My worth does not come from what I do, but Whose I am. Nothing good can come or has ever come from me alone. It has all been by God and it will always be by God. Knowing this now is both freeing and scary. I'm clinging to Psalm 18 (read below!).

Psalm 18

Psalms 18: 1-33, 50.

I love you, God- you make me strong. God is bedrock under my feet, the castle in which I live,

my rescuing knight. My God- the high crag where I run for dear life,

hiding behind boulders, safe in the granite hideout.

I sing to god, the Praise-Lofty, and find myself safe and saved.

The hangman's noose was tight at my throat, devil waters rushed over me. Hell's ropes cinched me tight; death traps barred every exit.

A hostile world! I call to God, I cry to God to help me.

From his palace he hears my call; my cry brings me into his presence-

a private audience!

Earth wobbles and lurches; huge mountains shake like leaves, quake like aspen leaves because of his rage. His nostrils flare, bellowing smoke; his mouth spits fire. Tongues of fire dart in and out; he lowers the sky. He steps down; under his feet an abyss opens up. He's riding a winged creature, swift on wind-wings. Now he's wrapped himself in a trenchcoat of black cloud darkness. But his cloud-brightness bursts through, spraying hailstones and fireballs. Then God thundered out of heaven; the High God gave a great shout, spraying hailstones and fireballs. God shoots his arrows-pandemonium! He hurls his lightnings- a rout! The secret sources of ocean are exposed, the hidden depths of the earth lie uncovered the moment you roar in protest, let loose your hurricane anger.

But me he caught-reached all the way from sky to sea;

he pulled me out of that ocean of hate, that enemy chaos, the void in which I was drowning.

They hit me while I was down,

but God stuck by me.

He stood up on a wide-open field;

I stood there saved- surprised to be loved!

God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him.

When I got my act together, he gave me a fresh start.

Now, I'm alert to God's ways; I don't take God for granted.

Every day I review the ways he works; I try not to miss a trick.

I feel put back together,

and I'm watching my next step.

God rewrote the text of my life when I open the book of my heart to his eyes.

The good people taste your goodness, the whole people taste your health,

the true people taste your truth, the bad ones can't figure you out.

You take the side of the down-and-out, But the stuck-up you take down a peg.

Suddenly, God, you floodlight my life; I'm blazing with glory, God's glory!

I smash the bands of marauders, Ivault the highest fences.

What a God! His road stretches straight and smooth.

Every God-direction is road-tested. Everyone who runs toward him...Makes it.

Is there any god like God?

Are we not at bedrock? Is this the God who armed me, then aimed me in the right direction?

Now I run like a deer; I'm king of the mountain. He shows me how to fight; I can bend a bronze bow! You protect me with salvation-armor; you hold me with a firm hand,

caress me with your gentle ways. You cleared the ground under me so my footing was firm.

God's chosen is beloved.

she is just great.

So I checked my college mailbox today and what did I find?! Well, there was a note that said "you have a package!" And in that package was the best surprise ever... My wonderful mommy sent me my favorite peanut butter with a smiley face spoon, an adorable picture of someone I love more than peanut butter and chocolate (my awesome little brother), and a super sweet note. I'd just like to point out that my mom is the greatest and has never failed at making me feel known, special, and loved. She is just great and I love her very much.